Now I too have seen the dark side. And its kung-fu is strong. One in particular that I just have to get off my chest is Tokyo Gore Police. I think a moment of horrified silence would be appropriate here.

…Done? Ok. Here’s what happened. I’m breezing through info on the movie Death Bell and I happen across a phrase that was new to me. Torture porn. As I said in the Death Bell review, I didn’t see the correlation between that phrase and the actual movie. I wondered about it but eventually moved on. Apparently though my subconscious was working against me because the next movie that I decided to check out is TGP. Now that I know what torture porn is I wished I didn’t. I’ve seen some pretty pointless, and idiotic movies in the U.S (in particular a movie where a man’s penis is cut off and then inches across the floor like an earth worm, only to later leap on and strangle the woman whose attempting to kill his…owner.) but nothing like this.

The hot girl on the cover in the high heels, thigh highs (complete with garter), and shiny sword is a lie. A decoy. A trick to lure in the unsuspecting and innocent like lamb to the slaughter.

Which is what makes it so great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s a bad movie. I don’t want to offend anyone who liked it but to me it sucked. But I will admit that that suckage is what makes it awesome. Let me explain.

Basically TGP is set in futuristic Japan. The city is being terrorized by a serial killer called the Key Man (Itsuji Itao), who’s created a virus. Once infected, a human will turn into monster hybrid thing that basically only thinks about killing. The only way to get rid of them is to cut off the body part where the virus is hiding or they’ll come back. To help fight them off the Tokyo police have privatized a group dedicated to hunting the Engineers (the infected humans). Ruka (Eihi Shiina), who’s been assigned to help the specialized team since she’s so good at killing Engineers, is the main character. She cuts herself and doesn’t like people, but she can cut a man’s face up like sliced ham with a chainsaw with the best of them. The movie is dedicated to Ruka’s search for the Key Man and also her father’s murderer. During her search she not only loses a few of more loved ones, she also loses her sense of justice when she begins to uncover the depth of corruption and cruelty that the specialized force is actually capable of.

Really, the storyline seems like just an excuse to kill something, but that’s alright since the actual killing is done with such flare. Whether she’s cutting herself or someone else, the amount of blood spilled in this movie could sink an ocean liner. The little nicks sends gallons of blood, not just seeping, but gushing like a broken fire hydrant for what seems like hours. It gets to the point where that’s all a scene is. Blood. Had the director been trying for the shock effect, I would have rimmed him a new one. But since his aim was more a celebration of blood and guts he did a great job. That much of the stuff eventually makes a person numb to it, and appropriately enough each successive scene was worse than the last.

For instance the genitals fight was a particular envelope pusher for me. These prostitutes have been made into Engineers. Whatever is cut or damaged reforms with an inanimate object and becomes a part of that person’s body. So one prostitute was made into a flesh chair. No head, no arms. Just her legs and torso formed into a sitting chair. At first she looks dead but then you see the chest rise and fall and the crowd who was bidding on the hookers starts to applaud. I hated that part.

One prostitute alteration I liked was this one chick whose whole bottom half had been fused with a shark I guess because instead of legs and a VJ (censorship practice) there’s these rows and rows of killer teeth ending in a black hole. She bites off this guy’s who-ha and he shoots her in the whoopsy-daisy before turning into an Engineer himself. Then…and you guessed it; his thingermabob is recreated into this, literally, ten foot monster that acts as a sort of bullet proof shield against rocket launchers, swords, and other assorted weapons. Then there’s a high-schooler Engineer with a giant razor for an arm and machine gun boobies. And not fun ones like the ones on Austin Powers either. Creepy ones.

And so ends the genital wars.

There’s this scene, a useless one in my book, where Ruka drags this guy from a train after accusing him of touching her but. Then she cuts off his hands and the blood, expectedly enough, gushes forth at such a rate that it fills the air with red rain for the full five minutes it takes Ruka to walk off screen in slow motion.

The one thing I liked was the commercials. In the movie it keeps panning to show these commercials that are being broadcasted in the city. They’re hilarious. One has a guy who didn’t buy the right cell phone or something, so he had to commit ritual suicide. He cuts his stomach open and his guts fly out like confetti and he dies for like two seconds before popping back up with a smile and saying something completely inappropriate for the situation. Like call toll free now for a quote or something to that effect.

Another one had this psycho running into a group of kids playing soccer until he, is in turn, shot by the specialized force. Then the police cut up his body and play soccer with the kids with the guys head replacing the actual soccer ball.

Then there was one for your own murder Wii. A father and son are slashing a criminal open with their Wii sword and mom comes in from backing cookies and joins in. It’s family fun.

The best one was for self-cutters. They advertise a handy little razor that comes in several different colors. Apparently it’s super kawai, and if you want to be cool you need to get the latest in cutting technology. The blade is sharp and the bleeding high schoolers are just so happy. It’s so demented that it works. I wish we had commercials like that, but the U.S has this stupid censoring thing going on right now, so no luck there.

I also liked some of the character designs. The woman with swords for arms and legs and a slave mask for a face was brilliant. Especially since she walked around on all fours, on sword tip, and acted more like a dog than an actual person. The fight sequences with her were flawless and I wish there were more scenes involving her since they were the most engaging. Mostly because there was little to no bloodshed during that fight. With knife appendages you’d think they would have run with it.

Go figure.

Shot and released in just two weeks Tokyo Gore Police appeared on screen in Japan in June of 2008. The movie received, surprisingly enough, rave reviews, even from critics. People loved it, especially in the U.S and its earned 100 points on RottenTomatoes.

Again. Go figure.

If you aren’t really into pointless gore, avoid watching this movie unless you’re with people who can help you make fun of it. I messed up because I saw it the first time by myself which means that I can never see it again unless I’m heavily sedated and or surrounded by friends…Or weed. I bet a stoner would get a kick out of this movie. I say good for you stoner. Have fun.

Tokyo Gore Police was written by Kengo Kaji, Sayako Nakoshi, and Yoshihiro Nishimura and directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura.

As a rabid enthusiast for anything having to do the Arashi group member and actor Matsumoto Jun, I thought it appropriate that my first Japanese movie review have something to do with him. I looked long and hard through each of his movies, not that it was any hardship or anything, and I finally decided on his most recent cinematic production.

The Last Princess is a 2008 remake of Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress. It’s a tossup between critics on deciding this newer versions appeal. While some say it’s an entertaining piece that simply reflects the different directors views in regards to action movie clichés, others demote it as an unworthy successor to the Hidden Fortress. But I don’t care about the critics, or the value of a remake versus a ‘legend’. I’m shallow and female and therefore my only concern is Matsujun.

This was the first film I saw by this actor. Before, I’d only watched his television shows and I was continually pleased with his performances. Gokusen cemented him in my mind as an actor before I even knew him as a singer. So when I heard that he had made a movie, like a movie movie, I was enthusiastic about seeing his big-screen-thespianic powers. I was tricked in the beginning because it turns out that in the movie he’s sort of…gross looking. I think it was some sort of move to distract the fangirls from his looks so that we’d be forced to focus on his acting and the actual storyline. I was cool with that because I trust Jun.

The Last Princess is about Princess Yuki, the sole survivor of the royal family, trying to make her way across her own war ravaged lands and into allied neighboring territory. Once safe she plans to rebuild her forces with the gold that her family had hidden away. Her only problem is that with only one living guard left she has very little chance of making the journey without being caught and killed. One guard, even one as loyal as Hiroshi Abe who plays General Rokurota, can only do so much by himself. And getting his Princess out of enemy territory when he doesn’t know the way is not on that list. They get help from an unlikely source. Two peasants have just escaped an explosion in the mine they’d been working in. One is smart and the other is…uh, enthusiastic. Matsumoto plays the intelligent and largely self serving peasant Takezo, while his unplanned for companion Shinpachi is played by Daisuke Miyagawa. Captured after trying to beat the crap out of Princess Yuki, who they believe to be a boy at the time, the two men convince the general not to kill them by offering their aid in traveling across the territories.

They pick up a slave girl on their journey but unlike the original film she doesn’t live throughout the rest of the trip and dies soon after their rescue of her while trying to protect the Princess. The Last Princess has your typical storyline, morally bankrupt individual, in this case Takezo, falls in love with  goody-two-shoes rich girl, Yuki, and somewhere along the way learns to be a better person who cares about the feelings and overall lifespans of those around him, while blowing a lot of crap up along the way. The storyline is a bit superficial but I don’t watch action flicks with undercurrents of romantic comedy so that I can think, I watch them for the entertainment value and The Last Princess had plenty of that.

I’m not sure how it was done in the original but in this version Princess Yuki travels disguised as a man. There are a few awkward scenes where the two peasants sense something a little off about ‘him’. And apparently Takezo’s spidy senses were tingling over-time because when it finally comes out that Yuki was female (after a strip search at a command post, complete with a sketchy military man who prefers little boys over girls, hence their release) he doesn’t seem too terribly surprised.

The acting, in the end, is really what makes this film tolerable. If there had been a different cast I would have turned it off and went on my way, but it managed to save itself.  Masami Nagasawa who plays the Princess was endearing and noble and proud without coming off as corny and irritating and target practice worthy. There was no overacting involved in her performance and she was a strong female lead who I found myself cheering for rather than wishing she’d fall into a hole somewhere and die, as I do for a lot of Princess types. Daisuke Miyagawa was cute and funny. The perfect comedy relief. If he’d have been killed in the movie I think I would have shed a tear or two and I mean that without a trace of sarcasm. His character development is a treat to see. Like he knows, in theory, what he’s supposed to do to be a good person but can’t quite force himself to go that far.

Abe was the epitome of a loyal General, and I got seriously pissed off when the bad guy started beating on him. That doesn’t happen for me often with guys in movies unless they set off my stalker radar. Me being the stalker of course. Speaking of which…I was really proud of Matsumoto in this. Not because he was some epic actor or anything but because in all of his productions he always manages to show a different face. He’s never the same person twice and you can tell that he really gets into whatever his role is because he’s not afraid to get down and dirty to achieve the desired effect. Sure Johnny Depp did the whole dirty face, ratty hair, and bad teeth route but he did it in a sexy way. Matsujun did it in a ‘I’m poor, I work in a mine, and I’ll rob you blind in your sleep so I therefore have bad hygiene, bad teeth, grubby fingers, and am reasonably quick on my feet. Fear me.’ Way. I added the fear me part to his overall character analysis but you get what I mean.  I respect him for that. And obviously his hottie light still shone strongly enough since Princess Yuki fell for him anyway.

I expected the ending to be different but I suppose it’s director’s Shinji Higuchi’s one concession at  a non cliché film. After a lot of soul searching I was able to make my peace with it, and in a way I’m glad that it did end the way it did. Lets you give your own interpretation of what happened next.

Narie Bowie said in her New York-Tokyo review:

“With a stellar cast and an action-packed story, Higuchi has the makings of a blockbuster hit on his hands. The Hidden Fortress: The Last Princess will appeal to not only the Japanese audience that it’s intended for but it has a commercial appeal that will easily cross any language and cultural barriers. In fact, it could hold its own with any of the summer blockbusters that Hollywood is planning on releasing this year.” (article can be found here: http://www.newyork-tokyo.com/wp/2008/05/07/the-hidden-fortress-the-last-princess-review/)

Sounds like pretty high praise. In my opinion, rightfully deserved. Amazing locations, fun scenes, and copious amounts of large explosions and massive fight sequences, makes The Last Princess a cool way to introduce a new generation to a 1950’s classic. I haven’t watched it yet but I will, though I seriously doubt that I’d prefer it over the newer version. I’ll be sure to let you all know.

The last Princess was written by Akira Kurosawa and directed by Shinji Higuchi